Well yes, I’m definitely guilty. Quoting author Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, a ‘put-down’ is
“an unnecessarily negative statement which has the effect of making the recipient feel less good about themselves, of damaging their self-respect and belief in themselves and their competence.”
I try to mind my language around M but still can’t help directing some ‘put downs’ at her on occasions. My most common ones are “Don’t run. You’ll fall” “Don’t embarrass me” “Why are you so lazy?”
Hopefully, they’ve not done any major damage to M’s self-esteem. According to the book, too much of these ‘put downs’ can “cause resentment and create distance and resistance”, which can have negative long-term effects on a child’s self-image and his/her future relationships.
Funny though… because this supposedly damaging way of parenting is how I grew up. Asian parents often put down their kids and seldom praise their kids for fear that they’ll get complacent. Not too long ago, I heard a relative shouting at her primary one kid “You stupid ah?” Most people around us turned out fine, but who knows, some may have gone further with a bit more praise.
Anyway, this book is really like a child psychology textbook, defining and conceptualising self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance and self-discipline and how one leads to the next. And so even though it’s been a rather boring book to read, I’m glad it got me to appreciate how our everyday words and actions can make a difference to our children’s lives.
But at the end of the day, I think it’s about us being happy parents, spouses, workers… How else can we expect happy children?
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