Auntie in the making

Motherhood has definitely turned me into an ‘Auntie’. This really hit home when I was recently approached by a student asking for donation during a flag day. “Auntie, would you like to donate?” Oh well, what else could I expect? I was in shorts, T-shirt and slippers; and on my way to the supermarket with M.

Appearance aside, I have to admit that my life is indeed very ‘Auntie”. My typical daily activities include cooking, washing and taking care of my kid. I’ve also probably picked up some ‘Auntie’ traits like poor dressing, nitpicking at supermarkets, constant lookout for promotions etc.

I guess the most surprising ‘Auntie’ trait which I’ve acquired is that I can now cook a decent (nothing fanciful though) meal for my family. I could not even imagine myself doing that previously. I’ve never bothered learning about different cuts of meat, how to treat them etc… until the need necessitated it. That is, when M started on solids. I wanted to ensure she gets nutritious meals and started to consult my mum and mum-in-law for their recipes.

None of us were born knowing how to cook; so we all have to learn it the hard way – some trial and error and lots of practice. And since we all need food to live, knowing how to cook could probably qualify as a survival skill. That’s one thing I don’t mind being an ‘Auntie’ for!

Shuddering attack – What?

When M was approaching one year old, she started to go through shuddering attacks, alike to shivering or mild seizures. She would clench her hands and jaws and each occurrence lasted seconds. It scared us badly. Initially, we thought it happened only when she was agitated. But we soon realised it happened randomly, like during play or meal times, and it seemed she had no control over it.

Interestingly, it affected us more than her. She would just continue where she left off (before the attack) like nothing happened while I would rush to hold and comfort her. We learned later that we should not respond to her as it could encourage her to do it deliberately just to get our attention.

Anyway, we decided to seek medical advice. M’s paediatrician referred us to a neurologist. Thankfully, it seems M’s behaviour does not constitute epilepsy, our worst fear. We also learned the term ‘shuddering attack’. Apparently, this condition does happen to some young children and it usually subsides on its own around two years of age. We also watched videos clips of some children caught on tape. It was exactly what M does and watching those clips made me feel more comforted that we were not alone.

Since there was no medication or follow-up action required, we left the clinic crossing our fingers that M would stop shuddering in time to come. She did continue to do it for a couple more months but the frequency dropped and before we knew it, she stopped completely.

But this episode left its permanent mark on me. Even until now, every time M shakes when she exerts strength, I would automatically sit up and pay attention.

Why my wife is a SAHM…

Nagmummy: contributed by my husband

My wife shared with me that after she posted ‘stay-at-home mum’, she had some discussions with friends and one of the things she highlighted was that some husbands did not agree with the prospective of a single income family. Recently, one of my close guy friend also said he would not want his wife to stay at home when they have kids. (Reason was they needed two incomes to survive)

Anyway, my wife thought that it was a good idea for me to share my perspective of things.

1. My wife is passionate about it

My wife not only enjoys being a SAHM, she is passionate about it. I did not see this passion in her when she was working. She is really a ‘professional’ mum who dedicates her energy and time to educating and nurturing M. She reads up and researches on best practices and puts M’s welfare her top priority.

2. Bonding takes time

One main reason we made the decision to have a parent stay at home with M is to foster strong family ties. My wife grew up in an extended family and enjoys very strong bonds with her family members. I, on the other hand, was taken care of by my nanny (a relative) till I was 13. I only went back to my parents’ place on weekends. As a kid, I would cry if I had to spend more than 1 night there. My nanny knows my favourite foods, my temperament and can relate all kinds of embarrassing stories about me that my mother cannot. I feel closer to my nanny than my parents even until now. And the ties I have with my family can be described as obligatory rather than love,sadly. I look at my wife’s family and hope I can be as close to M as my wife is to her parents – staying close even after she grows up and becomes independent.

So weekend parents beware!

Jo, a close friend of mine, attended a child educational talk by a psychiatrist and shared that quality time alone cannot make you understand your child’s potential as it is only with quantity of time that you will get to understand his/her temperament, abilities and interests.

3. We can get by…

My wife and I do not have rich parents and neither are we rich. Fortunately, we have a simple lifestyle – living in a HDB flat and not owning a car and can therefore survive on one income, for now. Our home loan is our only liability and it is 100% insured against TPD (total or permanent disability) and death.

We also have various insurance policies (life, critical illness, accident and medical) which can hopefully help see us through any unforeseen circumstances. Also, we maintain cash savings of at least 6 months worth of our living expenses, just in case I lose my job during this recession (fingers crossed).

4. My wife is not into high fashion labels

When my wife started working, she did yearn for high fashion stuff like any typical gal. Luckily over the years, she became more discerning and now goes for value more than brand. And without the need to dress for work plus other related expenses, her personal expenses are now even lower than M!

All in all, I am extremely happy that my wife stays at home to look after, educate and most importantly spend time bonding with M. Because I only get to see M less than 2 hours a day on weekdays, I miss seeing all the ‘growing up fun’ that she experiences (which my wife will narrate to me at the end of the day if I don’t fall asleep first). I’m comforted that M has a very close and loving relationship with her mummy and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

In a nutshell, Happy Wife + Happy M = Happy Me!

Finally at ease…

I did not grow up with a domestic helper. There was never a real need since there was always a spare pair of hands in my extended family. And my mum kinda stayed at home – she started to work half a day when I started kindergarten.

Hence, I was used to seeing my mum cook, wash, clean – basically doing chores. And I grew up thinking helpers were only for the rich. When I became a mum, I realised how badly I needed an extra pair of hands around the house. Our experience of having the confinement nanny confirmed our initial thoughts about having a live-in helper around the house – Uncomfortable.

But after six months of trying to cope on our own, I threw in the towels. I must say having a helper really made life easier. I hardly washed anything the following year! But ultimately, I just didn’t like living with, managing and being responsible for one. Tough life, some say…

It’s been four months since we let our helper go and I feel more “at home” somehow. We have a part-timer who comes in to clean the house twice a week now and I can definitely say – Very Comfortable.